“Dedicated to all my fabulous girl friends who are all equally Great, Irresistible, Ravishing, Loving, Passionate, Overly Emotional and Real. Cheers to GIRL POWER! Know that you can lean on me, as I know I can lean on you. Sharing with you my commandments of girl friendship as said the iLean way.”
The TEN COMMANDMENTS of GIRL FRIENDSHIP
I
I am your Girl Friend.
Thou shall honor our friendship like no other.
Whosoever may cast aspersions and call you a whore, slut or fashion victim shall be wise to fear me. Because I will rise up and lash out at the aspersion caster. For you are my girlfriend and whosoever asperses you, asperses me.
I will do unto you as you do unto me. But when you do unto me something that I will never do unto you, I will curse and denounce your name followed by temporary friendship amnesia. I will forgive but only at the right time as I deem fit.
II
Thou shall not allow others to use our name and be treated in vain.
When you have been mistreated by boyfriends, bosses, or bitches, call on me and we will curse them in the darkness together.
I will not mock you if you surrender to the trend of the moments and show up at an important function in a ridiculous-looking ensemble. Even when others deride you and scorn your fashions sense, I will defend your taste and admonish your critics by explaining that you are on a new medication that greatly impaired your judgment.
III
Thou shall honor the Sob-Bathed Day.
During times of trouble, you will be heard while you cry it out to me. I will listen while comforting you with your choice of food, chocolates, liquor and sedatives if you wish. Do not fret, as I will provide unlimited tissue supply and tons of jokes to make you smile.
And when Valentine’s Day approaches and you have no lover to ply you with flowers, diamonds, or chocolates, call on me and I will console you with encouraging words and rationalizations.
When the first fine line appears on your face and you are overcome with misery, I will point out my own fine lines and the fine lines of other women your age in order to ease your pain.
IV
Honor though Fatter and thou Mothers.
When we are invited to a grand feast and there is an abundance of meat, pasta, bread, and wine, and we help ourselves to this bounty and fill our plates upward toward the heavens, I will not remind you of your diet and you will not remind me of mine.
If you should lose control and go on a never-ending binge following a breakup or similar devastation, it shall be my moral obligation to join you and partake for as long as you partake.
And when I suffered a breakup and I hunger for a binge of gluttony and excess, and I know you are trying to diet, I will refrain from asking you to join me in my recklessness.
***
When it comes to pass that you decide to be fruitful and multiply, I will support your decision and not tempt you with alcohol, caffeine, or cigarettes.
And when you fear that stretch marks are taking over your body and causing your stomach to look like a roadmap of Jerusalem, I will comfort you with assurances that one-piece swimsuits never go out of style.
And when you are overcome with remorse because you question your maternal instincts, all because you failed to wipe off the pacifier after it fell to the floor, I will reassure you that too much sanitation is, in fact, an desirable thing, and that babies’ immune system need to be exposed to germs. And you will believe.
V
Thou shall keep our lips sealed.
Confide your secrets and I will take them to my grave. Be wise not to reveal your secrets to me when I may be under the influence of alcohol, anesthesia, sedatives or whatsoever, because all bets are off.
If you succumb to temptations of the flesh, confess your sins to me – in great detail, holding nothing back, -- and I will not cast stones or rush to condemn, but comfort you with tales of my own juicy indiscretions.
I will never reveal your sordid stories of your past, no matter how checkered, to your husband or new in-laws. For you possess as much dirt on me as I possess on you. And I am no fool.
VI
Thou shall not allow adultery.
If I witness your man coveting another woman, and you are not there to witness this for yourself, I will come to you and report what I have seen. For you are my friend, and he is but a snake in the grass. And friends are more righteous than snakes.
Should your man betray you for another, grieve you with his adultery, and abandon you on your darkest day, I shall seek revenge on that man and make him sorry he was ever born of this world.
VII
Thou shall not steal.
Man-stealers we are not. No man can come between us and put our friendship to asunder no matter how handsome or wealthy he is, even when he sports a photo-shopped like washboard abs.
If you come to me in search of a dress, shoes, or jewels to borrow, I will open my door to you and say, “Seek and you shall find.” But woe to you if you do not return what you find.
VIII
Thou shall cover up, covert and convert.
When you’re desperate for an excuse to escape a date that’s gone horribly wrong, send me a sign and I will call you on your cell and fake a heart attack.
***
When you need a place to rest and find no place to stay not even at your boyfriend’s place, I will give you temporary shelter, unless I am busy giving shelter to another needy night visitor.
***
When nasty rumormongers or jealous ex-boyfriends shake your confidence, come to me and I will build you up again.
If the love of your life jilts you with the age-old pathetic excuse: “It’s not you, it’s me,” I will make it my life’s mission to convince you that “Damn right, it’s him… because you’re fabulous!”
When you are afraid of a blind date, first day on the job, or anything else, I will bolster your courage with feeble pep talks.
When your appetite rages out of control and you crave an abundance of carbohydrates and fats, smothered in a pillar of salt, I shall restrain you until your will power is restored.
When you break your diet and succumb to gluttony, I will be there to accompany you to the gym and sweat with you until we both lose consciousness.
IV
Thou shall not covet thy friends’ goods.
If there is but one dress or pair of shoes in a department store that you find desirable, and I desire the same dress or pair of shoes, I will forfeit them to you because I am your friend. And because I know you will gladly loan them to me whenever I wish.
I will be exceedingly happy when you find a man that comforts, protects and pleasures you, and I will not feel envy even if the man is gloriously hot, and I have not have had such a man in a very long time.
If I should win infinite riches from a game of chance like the lottery, I will share with you my good fortune and treat you a spa vacation or Caribbean cruise, just as you would certainly share such riches with me.
X
Thou shall not bear false witness against each other.
When you come to me seeking the truth about your man, a new haircut, or swimsuit, ye shall know the truth and the truth will set you free.
If I see something out of place on your person – a stray hair, unzipped fly, or errant shirt tag- I will call your attention to the imperfection, without causing you embarrassment, so that you may rectify it and present your best self, just as you would do in return for me.
*The Ten Commandments of Girl Friends by Aileen Murillo; Excerpts are from the book The Girl Friend’s Bible by Cathy Hamilton.
